whatarobin's Xanga

moving

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 05:04:52 GMT

http://rowalton.blogspot.com/

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:24:40 GMT

not looking forward to saturday.

the man i love and respect deeply is leaving for another 7 months. sure we'll "be fine". i know we'll be fine...we did well the first 5 months. but thats not it, i'm not scared for our relationship. i just want to be able to spend time with him, enjoy his company.

on saturday i will also be taking my CSET exam. yup...i did already take it. but unfortunately in november i took the english cset exam because i thought i wanted to teach high school english. now ive decided to dedicate myself to those snot nosed children i so deeply love. that means another $200+ test.

but i will remember to thank Jesus for the joy and honor of having Brian in my life and that i was able to spend the last month with him. i will also praise Jesus for giving me this passion and desire to teach children and that i actually have the opportunity to apply for grad school and be able to afford this test.

in my little bubble of a life....life sucks this weekend.

but in the grand scheme...i am immensely blessed.

[note to self :: remember the second half of this entry]

Monday, November 10, 2008

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:59:43 GMT

In love with a city and it's people.

It's a November day in picturesque LA and I have happened upon a comfy patio outside the "so last year" coffee shop, Starbucks. I sit here in my sandals, casual black skirt, and tank top--drenched in the rays of a Sun that could only shine in Los Angeles. I find myself buying into the dreams that have brought people to this very location for years. But I yearn not to make a name in Hollywood or surf the waves off Malibu, I’m here to make a difference. Ironically, what draws me to this places is the very people who have come in search of success, happiness, and 355 days of sun. Those mandatory 10 days of clouds and gray exist only to guide us Angelinos into a deeper realization of our humanity. A place of emptiness for many, the weather outside finally reflecting the condition of their heart. Cloudy and gray. And so we hole up for a day or two and pray to the barista that tomorrow we’ll order an iced drink. That the sun will come forth and remind of us the guise we’ve found here in this city. A mask big enough to cover Pacific Palisades to East Los. Covering the cloudy and gray. We all live under it; I find myself embracing it as much as anyone else.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 16:47:20 GMT

Saturday. November 28th. Sunny Forecast.
29 days to go.

A day off, finally a day completely to myself.

I want to spend time with
Jesus,
Brian (via phone),
Music
Los Angeles

The rest of the world can wait til tomorrow.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 06:09:47 GMT

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

I’ve been dreaming of days
of lives
And seasons of change

Fathers playing catch with their sons
             Dressing up for theirs daughters tea parties
Days of sunshine
And joy

There is no question
He loves his wife, his children, and our heavenly father

I dream of families being transformed
God’s love radiating through a world of distrust
By the simplicity of a parent

Merely dreams are these
For I see lives of detachment and distraction
Take this, take that
But don’t take a second look at where Daddy’s eyes are focused

I dream these dreams with a broken heart
A heart not jaded
        but fogged by forgotten memories

Nights crying on my bed
Please just leave.
        at least I could blame you for that

But instead I’ve let you take the hope out of my dreams
Forgiveness you deserve
Forgiveness I hope to give

But how? It’s been far too long
                And I packed all hope of reconciliation
In that drawer under my bed.
Ironically, the one you built

So can we build this together
Can we build a new relationship
A skeptic I would call myself
So show me. Come show me how this will all work out.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:47:43 GMT

The following is from an email I wrote to e last Saturday.
For this to make sense read my last entry if you haven't already...

Friday was definitely a really hard day for me and it was hard for me to find any hope. hope for a job. hope for a purpose. hope for being a worthwhile person. ive been taking the job rejection way too personally...but especially after the third interview...it basically is a personal rejection.

but

i woke up saturday morning in an obnoxiously ok mood. bordering on a pleasantly happy state of being. annoying, right? can i not just sit and sulk in my downbeats. where did that inner voice go...the one screaming at me yesterday...telling me i was worthless and never going to amount to anything. where did this new sunny attitude some from...the one telling me i'm only 21 years old and should be happy to have such an open book for this next year. telling me that this is one more chance to explore other jobs out there...that this season isn't over and thats ok.

it honestly made me want to vomit. who have i become? an optimistic? gross! its gonna take a while for me to accept this.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 06:20:23 GMT

I've opened this blog window more times than I've taken a breathe today. Each time convincing myself not to write anything, knowing that I'm not emotionally stable. That this entry will yet again be a cry from a girl not knowing how to handle her emotions.

Well I lost the fight and here I am. I found out today that I didn't get a job that I had gone to 3!! interviews for. Following my summer of no "call backs" and disappointing rejection last week...I'm not doing so well.

"God has something better planned for you"

Well fuck. I'm getting impatient. Nothing in my life makes sense right now. God, how long will this season last? Are you sure you aren't giving me more than I can handle. Cause I've lost my grip.

When I say that nothing makes sense I don't mean that there is nothing happy going on in my life. On the contrary, I am actually pretty happy these days. Things are going great with Brian...I miss him like crazy but our relationship is doing really well. I'm incredibly blessed to be living in #9 again. I'm finding it easy to connect with God. Overall, doing well. But still ridiculously confused and not ok with that.

I need plans
I need a schedule
I need security
I need to be wanted
I need money
I need to be busy
I need to add to my resume
I need to impress a few key people
I need to be needed

I acknowledge that I need God first and foremost and I have been working hard at that. But these other "needs" seem so deeply ingrained in who Robin Walton is that I don't know how to pluck them out.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:03:29 GMT

life is tiring.

the way the sun bleaches my bright green towel
the towel that i used to spend hours on
in the southern california sun
the same sun that sarcastically burns my skin
and freckles it
ive grown to accept this love
hate relationship with sun

life is tiring

love is freeing

the way his arms feel around me
a tight grasp of security
that no longer weighs me down
but frees me
these arms have been a gift to me
a gift that i have to say goodbye to right now
the arms
not the freedom

love is freeing

vision is coming

as fast the next flight
make sure you're packed and ready to
go
nightmares of being unprepared
but maybe it'll come
as slow as that strand of graying hair
either way i have no choice
no choice but to look forward and
up

vision is coming
love is freeing
life is tiring

no regrets.
all is worth it.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 21:39:52 GMT

While doing some late spring cleaning I came across a crinkled white envelope with the name "Robin" on it. I curiously opened the saliva sealed paper and pulled out a folded white 8.5 X 11 sheet of paper. On it--letter written to God. I can't seem to remember when this was written, but I read it just the same. And the words read--

God,
So, I'm supposed to write you a letter telling you what it is that I really want from you. So here it is, I guess that I just want to know that you'll take care of me. I want to know that you care enough about me that you want me to be happy and to enjoy my life. I want to know that you'll be there for me, that you will help me through my struggles. God, how can I do it? How will I ever be able to KNOW your love, to FEEL your love.
Love you,
Robin

Still entirely fitting for the state at which I'm in. Scared that I've grown to depend on people. Scared that God is taking away my happiness. But I know that I love a God who would never want anything less than joy for me. And so I will live that way.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 01:25:51 GMT

It's that time of year life. Graduation.

I've been feeling really weird lately, and if you know me or have seen me in the past week or two you probably know what i mean. Basically this is what post college looks like for me. Boyfriend in Ghana. Best Friend at Penn. Robin right here. yup. shes going nowhere. Job? No. Plan? No. Fear. Check. Excitement. Check (I'm dreading it as much as this entry may make it seem) But basically I've gone on a search for defense mechanisms. Funny concept, huh. Shouldn't we run away from our defense mechanisms or at least try to stop them. The thing is that I don't know what mine is. Soooo, it's time to try some on for size. Or at least that's what I've been doing.

So here's what I've found. If I stay too busy to be around my close friends...then...I leave them. They don't leave me. If I get angry at the boyfriend. Then I have the upper hand. and he can't hurt me. Not hang out with my class as the year is ending. Sweet. Maybe I'll just forget the community...and how can you miss something you've forgotten.

Mission unaccomplished. I'm tired, lonely and not enjoying the end of my college years. I know I should be celebrating with everyone else. but how can I celebrate stepping into next year.

Jesus, can you please tell me why you're doing this? Cause I need some attention.